So an update on the fertility thing...

No I am still not pregnant.  I just finished my fourth month on Clomid and Metformin.  It is a little discouraging as all I read online is "I got pregnant in my first month on Clomid.  It's a miracle worker!"  Well not for me.  Which is okay, but still kinda sucks. 

My sister in law (younger than me by two years) just had her first baby and he is getting blessed this next week.  I am excited to see them, but nervous as well.  They live far away, so this will be the first time I've seen the little guy.  I am excited- he is my nephew after all, but I ALWAYS get a little jealous and down whenever I'm around babies lately.  I can't help thinking, "Wow.  You are so lucky, and have what I've been trying so hard to achieve.  And it wasn't hard at all for you."  I know in my head that this is wrong, because you never know anyone else's struggles and trials.  We all have a different plan from God.  My head may know this, but my heart still sinks in despair sometimes.  Probably all these drugs don't help with that.

UPDATE:  So I saw my new little nephew yesterday.  He is so adorable!  He was looking into my eyes and cooing away.  I melted.  And yes, as predicted I really suffered for it later.   I had an emotional breakdown on our way home and cried for probably 45 minutes straight.  My poor husband.  I know that he gets frustrated that he can't help me to see a positive perspective at those times...  Thank goodness for the priesthood.  He gave me a blessing last night, and I can already feel and understand the changes I need to make in my life to make my Faith greater. 

I was recently reading the LDS Spring 2011 Conference talks, and found this great quote that has helped with my perspective today:
      " Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best.  Sometimes a 'healing' cures our illness or lifts our burden.  But sometimes we are 'healed' by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."   Dallin H Oaks

Here is to more strength to overcome.  And maybe some physical healing as well.  My next Dr.'s appointment is July 18th to figure out the next step.  (If I haven't mentioned this already, it isn't my husband.  It's me we're trying to "fix."

Sunshine On My Shoulders Makes Me HAPPY!

Isn't it amazing what a little sunshine will do!  I was so mad and gloomy all of the long Memorial day weekend because it was raining, raining, RAINING!  And then yesterday and today it was SUNNY!  Finally!  I will admit I was slightly upset that I was inside working most of the day, but snuck outside on a break to soak it in.  It amazes me what a difference the sun makes.  I am suspecting I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder).  I am definitely more morose during the winter months.  Now seeing the green grass makes me giddy!   Bring on the sun!

I Can Do Hard Things

This is a poem that I wrote not long after my miscarriage.  I’m quite proud of it, as I feel it really tells quite honestly what I was feeling and what I still feel sometimes.

I Can Do Hard Things

My greatest dream

vanishes in a flash

My body screams in pain

protesting what can’t be

undone

I can’t even cry.

I’m empty

A monthy reminder

keeps the hunger fresh

for the unsatisfied need

But

I Can Do Hard Things.

My Story

Hello blogging world.  I decided to start this blog to help me get my thoughts and feelings recorded about my life.  Sometimes struggles we experience are very personal, and very hard.  I thought an annonymous blog would be the perfect place to record my history and growth without every friend and family member reading all about my most life changing trials. 

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or as most people know us as “Mormons.”  I know that there is some weird stuff in the media about our church, and crazy rumors, but most of it is not true.  We are very family oriented, CHRISTIAN people with good hearts. 

I am married to my best friend.  I met him 8 years ago in August, and we will have our 5 year anniversary this summer!  He is my perfect match in every way.  The most kind, patient, hardworking, funny, and amazing man.  I am lucky to call him mine!

My life hasn’t always been easy, but it’s always been blessed.  Growing up, I didn’t always follow the path I should have.  I’m lucky to have wonderful parents and family that never gave up on me.  I am truly grateful also to my Savior Jesus Christ, who made it possible for me to repent and change my life for the better.
As I mentioned, I married my best friend. He also happened to be in the military.  We have been through 2 overseas deployments that were so hard to live through.  Sometimes I wished I didn’t love him so much.  It would’ve made it easier to be apart then, right?  But as always we were blessed and he is home with me now
We have always been excited to have a family.  My husband comes from a large family and has always had an abundance of neices and nephews on his side.  He loves kids so much!  I come from a much smaller family, but have always loved children.  My dream since I was a little girl wasn’t to be a teacher, or a nurse, or a doctor, but to be a Mother.

About three years into our marriage, we decided it was time to start a family!  My dear was out of the military and was in school.  I was working, we were looking to buy a house, lots of changes were in the air.  About three months later we found out I was pregnant!  We were thrilled.  I had always had the feeling that I would struggle to concieve (I’m not sure why) and so it was a big relief.  We picked a doctor and set up a 12 week appointment.  Things were going great.  I wasn’t sick, and we found and bought a beautiful perfect little house for our family.

9 weeks later, I had a miscarriage.

It has not been easy to get through.  I am now in my late 20′s and in the LDS culture people start asking why you don’t have kids.  I have been amazed at the things people say, and actually how rude they are.  I’m sure that when you are extra senstive to such comments that they must seem worse, but my eyes have definitely been opened.

It has been a year and a half, and we have not been able to concieve again.  I’m currently seeing a doctor, and trying to figure out what is wrong.  We are struggling to think that we may never have our own children.
That is my life now.  I am on the path to find joy.  To bloom where I’ve been planted.  To find my purpose and continue to enjoy life while battling the sadness and longing.   I’m hoping that this will be a journey that will be a positive one, and that blogging often will help me to see my growth